Learning that I don't have to be strong ALL THE TIME, and accepting inner strength.
My life's slogan and mindset have been to know everything and have a plan for every possible scenario. My mentality dictated that I always had to be stable, not show weakness, not even around my family, my kids, and my friends.
At the age of 6, I learned to mask (hide) and camouflage my true feelings. Putting most of my energy into not to showing fear, weakness, or hurt. I worked hard to appear that I was brave. I became this fearless young girl that had everything figured out. An assumption that has followed me up until today and affected my mental health and personal relationships.
Don't get me wrong, I have led an amazingly fun and adventure-filled life with many blessings and many achievements. However, most of the time I was scared down to my bones.
Examples are endless, but here are a few; moving away from home and left for Boston at 19. Going to Basic Training for the Army, not knowing what waited for me but damn well aware that I was scared for me and leaving my 1-year-old boy. Re-starting school to finish my bachelor's degree with two toddlers and a a full-time job.
Not to forget the latest, in 2016 moving my family to Texas, starting and completing my master's degree, building a new home, and now 2020/Covid-19 getting furloughed and following a new path of entrepreneurship and freelance.
Masking my fear has allowed those closest to me to have an anchor; however, I feel lost at sea. I have outpoured my energy to ensure those around me felt special and not threatened by me or feel sorry for me. While looking at fear as an enemy and not a part of who I am. I have created a set of issues that have been the cause of poor mental health.
"God's grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." - Corinthians 12:9
Today, I come as a woman, mom, and peer confessing to not knowing it all and allowing my family, friends, and peers to witness that I am scared, sad, and weak most of the time. Realizing that I don't have to be masking, and that is ok to have fear, and that this fear is not a weakness.
Only by realizing this and accepting it is how I will continue to evolve into a more self-loving individual.